Be The Match

Well, my husband and I are living togethor again. I don't know what that means. But John Legend does...

As our love advances
we take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I still want youuuu to stay

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow

It's really not a romantic-type love story, or if it is, it's the lamest one ever. But I guess we'll see where this goes. I had really thought he had changed, we were so good for a few days there. But now he is reverting back to his old borish ways here and there. We'll see. Maybe we should take it slow.

Anyway, I was thinking of how everyone in the world is a phony. Well, not everyone, but those people who pretend to care about issues and charity but in reality they never belly up to even giving to charity or going to a blood drive. But they give such great lip service about what a great humanitarian they are (in their mind). The world is full of people like this. So, I decided as I was job hunting for a job that mattered! a job that made a difference! Why, should I stop there? I should donate bone marrow. How selfish of me, or anyone, to deny this life-saving stuff from a cancer patient simply b/c it will hurt. Alot of things hurt that we never think twice about. I am such a wannabe humanitarian. I have an Angelina heart. But none of her resources! So, I'm stuck trying to donate bone marrow.

I go to the website where I learn I have medical issues that disqualify me. Sigh.

Well, now what?

Tina Fey is not Funny

Personally, I completely lost all respect for Tina Fey when she robbed that 5th grader of her material with her Sarah Palin impression. If there was a punchline to that whole thing, I didn't catch it. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not, all she did was mimic Sarah Palin and say exactly the same things Sarah Palin did. There was not a joke in it. It was lame, it was beyond lame, it was worse than 30-Rock. Which, I also didn't think was funny. Mean Girls was ok. She fell off after that. I don't usually turn off a movie part way through, but I just didn't hate myself enough to finish Baby Mama, or whatever it was. The pity movie she made with her ex-SNL co-star what's her name. The other one who did an un-funny Office spin-off with Parks & Recreation. What a disappointment that was. The Office, on the other hand is hilarious. These ladies could learn a thing or two from Steve Carrell.

I was really disappointed to see that Tina Fey won some kind of award for her half-ass jokes on Sarah Palin. It wasn't even original, she did not craft one single joke out of the whole thing. If that warrants an award, there are tons of celebrity impersonators out there due there award. And those sidewalk impersonators are alot more funny, to me at least. If I were Tina Fey I wouldn't have accepted that award for that lame piece of work. The only reason they gave it to her is b/c she fed the social misogyny media smear machine. It's true. Ask yourself why didn't any other SNL presidential impersonator win an award. Many of the past SNL presidential impersonators actually told real jokes.

But the whole reason I'm writing this blog is b/c I just caught Sarah Palin's new reality show on TLC, and I love it. I love Sarah Palin, she is my hero. My hat's off to her,I couldn't do it. I would seriously punch out one of those smart ass reporters. I have no fear that they would hit me back, so my implants are safe!

Well, where should I start?

I haven't blogged in awhile. Because I had nothing good to say. Then I decided this might be the perfect time to blog.

The most startling disruption to my life recently is I am now getting a divorce. There are a lot of reasons why but I can't put all my focus into splitting hairs and examining the past when I have to keep my head in the game. Becauuuussseee, startling disruption #2, I have to move back to my hometown.

Sigh.

It's not such a bad place, it's just I really like living on the coast but everybody who can help me out with baby sitting and shuttling the kids home from school live farther inland. The housing is also cheaper and the job market is better. So, it's a decision that kinda made itself. Plus, I feel like a whipped puppy running home with my tail tucked between my legs. It's not a recourse I came to automatically and without misgivings--moving home, that is.

And third, I had a complete overhaul. Some people call them mommy make-overs. I had lost a lot of weight (over 100lbs) since pregnant with my last son. So, I got a little nip and tuck to smooth everything out. Plus some fake boobs and lipo. Now, that is major sugery, it's funny that such a huge thing like completely changing my image is the 3rd biggest disruption in my life recently.

So, I have been vocalizing the inequity of who pays for what with my (what should I call him?) less significant other, lately. I had been paying for way more in the way of clothes and toys. But now, I insist he buy that stuff, too. He had the nerve to say I was just trying to use him for money. I retort, I have fake tits, I can get some schmuck to give me money and pay my bills 7 days a week, this is about responsibility. More or less that's what I say, I'm frustrated and angry when I actually say it so it comes off a little less polished.

I never told you

space bar is broke...but this lyrics kind of sum up my mood...

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you

Have I found you, flightless bird?

I heard this song and it is really kind of touching. For me the first versre reminds me of my son and this past summer and all the water play we had...

I was a quick, wet boy
diving too deep for coins
yayayay street light eyes
on all my plastic toys
And when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
??????
HAVE I FOUND YOOOOUUUUUUU?
FLIGHT. LESS. BIRD
yayayayaay
yayayayay
or HAVE I LOST YOUUUUUUUUU?
AMERICAN. MOUTH.

OK, I don't really know all the words or get the song entirely, but that part reminds me of my son. I picture him just running around with his chest out, doing the toddler chest out run. And his little arms, hands in fists just pumping back and forth fast as he does his fast toddler run, choking out his laughter through his smiling teeth. HAVE I FOUND YOUUUUUU? FLIGHT. LESS. BIRD.

I think I am going to google the meaning...See what the artist was trying to convey. B/c I am probably way off track.

Well, the internet did not turn up anything solid. Just checked out some other bloggers thoughts on the lyrics. To me, the first verse is about my son...

Thinking on children. And songs from soundtracks. I remember the song from the Mama Mia soundtrack. My husband was watching with my nieces when they visited last summer. I was laying down with the baby, trying to put him to sleep. The baby I'm referring to was my then 2-year-old. Always gonna be mama's baby, don't care how old you are. Anyway, that song was also striking. This time b/c of it's description of raising a girl and I thought it was applicable to my relationship with my nieces. The words are below....

I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

....

Those I Like and Those I Don't

Well, I am finally getting the hang of this blogspot thing. I found a community of people in my demographic and even bookmarked a few I might read later. I was kind of disappointed to find only a few real blogs. I like blogs with bite. I think everybody has drama and issues, but if you blog like you don't, it's boring! Ugh. I want to read the good stuff!

Anyway, seeing the other blogs also gave me some motiviation to clean this place up a bit. Start proofreading, for instance. I may just go back and edit this for brevity and clarity.

Well, there is this one blog I read and did not like at all. Make that two. Do you know why I didn't like them? B/c the writers had fat bias. I once had fat bias myself, but I got over that.

Let me tell the whole four-year-long story in a paragraph or so, for clarity and brevity. Used to have fat bias myself, got pregnant, woo-hoo started to eat. I mean what I wanted and when I wanted. I enjoyed it, I gained alot of weight. People in general and at work specifically began to have a different attitude toward me. I was now treated like I had become lazier and dumber. That's right, instead of getting smarter and better at a job I had been experiencing and grinding away at for years, I had become lazier and dumber b/c of my weight gain. This is true. That's how the world looks at fat people. The phrase, 'how lazy and dumb are you?' is written all over their face. I thought I was the insightful one and they had their heads up their ass and I was not going to conform to society b/c I thought society was being a little superficial on this one.

So, I bucked the system and had another kid and gained even more weight than before. And then they cut my uterus out. I'm not sure which doc did it, I was under at the time. But when I came up, well not right away, but when I realized I wasn't going to have kids anymore, I decided to change my image. So, I did. So, I am. I was only allowing myself the excess b/c I was in the child-bearing phase of my life and I don't think it's healthy to diet and exercise when trying to carry children. For me anyway. Alot of people will tell you different. alot of people, that is, WHO HAVE NEVER DELIVERED A HEALTHY CHILD! Those fuckers. Shove your fucking advice up your you-know-what.

I say that b/c most moms I know believe in the supersitious-ness of it, too. And if you know what you need to do to have a healthy baby for you, than do it. What works for me, will not necessarily work for everyone. Most real moms know this. Your sports nut doctor and well-meaning co-workers should just shut their trap. You know why? B/c I never go around and dole out my advice on fly-fishing to an avid fisherman b/c I have never been fishing before and that wouldn't make sense. Anyway, when it comes to pregnancy, the opposite is true. Anyone who has read a book or article or their horoscope feels entitled to offer their advice. Shoot, this was supposed to be short. I got off on a tangent. The point is, in case anyone missed it, if you are childless, don't offer advice on pregnancy. To anyone, ever. You are not in the club. Shut the fuck up. It's irrelevant. Even you doctors, out there, reading this blog(who knows). Don't get me started on doctors.

OK, I am started on doctors. I feel like I could treat myself better with google than to waste my time going in to see a doctor. It's really that they have the prescription meds on lock down (the doctors) that keep us all under control. I know when my kids need antibiotics, if I could go get them I would. But I can't, I have to come to you and get a prescription.

I actually treat my family and tell them when they've been misdiagnosed and I'm always right! My husband didn't believe me, I told him there was no way he had what he had been told he had. I told him to tell the doctor to try and google it again. He snickered at me, but carried on his woe-is-me I have a strange disease routine. Until, it turns out I was right. haha. Hate to earn my credibility with I-told-you-so's but--no I don't--I love it. I told you so, I was right, earned credibility ranking going hiiigghherr..

I tried to move into dental work but my niece wouldn't let me. I tell her that I am just as qualified as any dentist b/c I have access to google and have read the same thing they have read before doing this procedure. And even with another family member vouching for my prowess, she still wouldn't let me continue. I am just saying that if it was 150 years ago, I would be the local doctor around here. All the pioneers would be coming to see me. But google wouldn't be around. So, I'd just give 'em a shot of whiskey and set their bone, or pull their tooth, or saw their leg off. But, those specialized surgeons still get a little of my respect. And I only have a little left. B/c I can't anesthetize someone, or cut their body open and fix their hearts, or brains. But the other type of doctors. O. M. G.

But back to my point. What bothers me the most about fat bias is how stupid it is. But we can't even see it b/c we are so one-dimensional about this topic. I know some hilarious and brilliant people who are fat. And making fun of fat people or using fat people as a punch line doesn't make fat people look bad. It makes you look bad! (directed to person making the fat remark) Somehow, being fit, gives people a trump card these days. I don't agree with it.

Destiny Thief

I have this theory. I have this theory that is completely fanciful, but the older I get and the more experiences Ihave, the more I think there may be more to it...

I first noticed it in my mid-20s. I realized my good friend had found herself a sweetheart and settled down while I was single and working. Hers was the fate I had wanted, and mine was the future she envisioned for herself years before. How did this happen? Were we on track to fulfill our destinies, crossed paths with one another, and left each other's company with destinies switched?

Had she stolen my destiny?

Had I stolen hers?

Was destiny really a tangible thing? And would it be so fluid and uncertain in your aura that the slightest aura-mingling could send it off course? Perhaps. Perhaps you will believe more with my next examples. Follow me another year down the road.

I was moved into another position within the company I worked for. It would be a more difficult position and I would have to prove myself. Love those work speeches they give you to make you take harder jobs, huh? Anyway, in order for me to take this position, they had to move another girl they had promised it to out. Don't get me wrong, she had a much nicer location than I did, so nobody was getting salted here. Well, wouldn't you know this other girl gets into serious trouble and basically fired over this embarrassing incident mixing alchohol and work. The funny thing is, I had done the same types of things, but never been caught at it. And she was in the job, I should have had. While I was in the job that was supposed to be hers. Meanwhile, she leaves the company (which is what I wanted to do) and I am up in her spot at work. Stole her destiny, too.

Things are starting to add up here.

It happens a few other times since, but those were really small potatoes and not worthy of mention.

But now I see it happening again. You know tomorrow is supposed to be my big day. This is supposed to be my month. This is supposed to be the month I cashed in my chips and settled down to the SAHM lifestyle. And, AGAIN, (this is starting to get eerie) I am a victim of circumstance and wind up having to stick it out working for a year longer. While, a co-worker of mine, someone who would gladly stick around work, is being forced out of employment. Why are they making that person leave and me stay? Oh, the fates are cruel. From this perspective anyway.

I want to apologize. To all the people whose destiny I have stolen. Whether we had a conversation, passed each other in a hall, shared a dance, heck-shared a pizza, and after that choice cosmic meeting I departed with your destiny. To all of you I am sorry. I did not mean to do it. I had no intention of taking this long and winding road.

If I could find some way to put a cap on it, I would. If only I could stop my destiny from escaping me and attaching to another soul, pushing their destiny out and onto me.

I wonder if I am the only one who has had this idea. I wonder if it's not part of some archaic belief somewhere...Hmmm...I'm gonna google it.

Uhhhhhh

My head hurt this morning. I drank too much wine last night. My mom is here to help watch the kids, so there's no danger. I don't know what got into me. I decided to blog it out, like any cool person with tons of friends and an active social life would do. That's sarcasm, of course.

Now, I kind of feel like an idiot b/c I also sent a few really emotional e-mails. I couldn't help myself. It was one of those episodes where everything is super serious and dramatic. I am actually kind of embarrassed, now, in my more conservative sober mode.

I was thinking of deleting my drunk rants from this blog. But then again, I may want to look back on them later and get a laugh at myself.

you know what?

I am going to drop the F word in this blog. B/c I have been drinking and my inner voice is passionate about what it wants to say!

You know what?!

Fuck you!

Fuck you, all you bloggers who act like your life is so fucking perfect. And you're in love, or every dark cloud has a silver lining. Fuck you.

Seriously, is anyone really living like that? If you say yes, fuck you. Fuck the fuck out of you.

b/c you know what?!

I just called my husband. And he didn't answer the phone.

Now that can mean a few things.

It could mean that he is still pissed from some stupid little fight/misunderstanding we had last week, that I thought we were over. And if he is still pissed about that. Then Fuck You, Too. B/c seriously, don't get me started. You can't hold grudges in a marriage. You gotta allow me the fucking room to fucking fuck up sometimes. OK? B/c I am going to fuck up. And we are going to fight about it. And I am too fucking proud (you will interrupt here and say that is the problem) to back down from an argument or admit error. So, you should just let me be me and do me and not try to rub my face in shit. Seriously. B/c I am not the type of person to grovel or eat shit. I will be wrong, proudly, and say oh, fuck you, get over it but I'm not apologizing.

You know, now I am getting off track. But, you know. Hold on. (drinks wine). This shiraz is ok. This is new. I like shiraz. But where was I? Oh, yeah, don't fucking marry me and respect me as a woman and a human being and have 2 sons by me and THEN. and THEN. Fucking try to humble me and relegate me to some corner of your life. And make me a fixture. You know? B/c I am a fucking human being. And I want to go back to school so I can do humanitarian work. And you know that. So, don't put me in some paint by colors corner of your life and put me in this position where my greatest contribution to life is vacuuming a fucking carpet. B/c you know what, TJ, you know what? I can vacuum the shit out of a carpet. But, I have a fucking calling. And I want to do humanitarian work. So, let me have a fucking chance, ok?

I just proofread this and I don't even remember what I was going to get at anymore. But I got off point and I still think that was a good point.

Do you remember when I was flying out of Indianapolis, TJ? And I called you about that poem on the wall. I had tears in my eyes, did you know? b/c it reminded me so much of us. I don't cry that often, even in front of you, you who knows me very well. But the poem is on my blog here. The part that struck me so hard was about how the writer was saying I will bring you a whole person and you will bring me a whole person and we will have twice as much of love and everything. Then later in the poem it says, the writer say that although their heart they are bringing do have dents and scars, the other partner is bringing polish like he do intend to make it shine. And that reminded me so much of you. B/c you try to hard and put up with all my shit. You know , you take alot. I know I am a dramatic woman, at times. But you never give up, and you are always holding everything togethor when I get into my (occasional) rants and raves.

But then I called you to tell you how much the poem had touched me, and reminded me of us. But I kinda felt like you didn't get it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I guess, when I see you next time. We will try to sort it out.

Answer the fucking phone!

Why, yes, I have been drinking

Have you, or has anyone out there, ever had the urge to cuss out an answering machine b/c why the f&*^ aren't they answering. Is it b/c they know it is you. Then, the whole time I am listening to this message, I am taking it personally. Like, the person is not answering b/c they know it is me and don't want to accept my call. When I hear the beep, after I have built up this anger for the past 20 seconds or so, I want to cuss them out. I want to say, "Aw, fuck you, go to hell." as my message.

Then I flash back to 5 years ago, or so, and I remember my sister calling a guy and getting the answering machine. I remember how she wanted to call back and cuss out that answering machine. The same way I do right now. I remember stopping her and saying that he probably really was still working since the last time they talked, since he and I were in the same line of work, and hadn't gotten a chance to call back. Really. Just give him two hours. And you know what? They are happily married right now with a beautiful baby boy.

Sigh.

So, I don't cuss out the answering machine but I still feel so angry that MY call wasn't answered. In my head, he glances at the phone, sees it's me, thinks 'oh, big deal. she just wants to complain about the dishes or vacuuming. I'm busy.' and doesn't answer. Then I feel enraged b/c I drank wine and watched a movie after the kids went to bed. Sometimes I get all feisty when I drink. Just let an answering machine answer...B/c hey, I'm not home right now, sometimes. Just a few sometimes. Those are fighting words.

But whatever.

I want to wax philosophical to my blog here. and I don't think one post will do. I am going to post this and write ANOTHER one.

Summertime

Last weekend I went to the water park. It was a lot of fun. My first time in a wave pool, which I thought would be lame for me but exciting for my son. 'This looks about our speed,' I said to Ian. It ended up being a lot of fun for both of us. Those waves are serious. They are just like ocean waves, with their take-down power.

Then I bought a new bike., a 1-speed, beach cruiser. So,I got a child's seat for it, as well. B/c there is no way these guys let me just leave the house without them and go for a bike ride. Let's be serious. I can barely make it to work on time, somedays. I bring the bike home and slave away in the garage--in the moist, humid, sticky Savannah, Georgia garage heat. I finally got everything togethor and sturdy after about an hour. At that time the 3-year-old was enjoying a Disney movie in the AC. His curiosity at what I was doing in the garage was abated by the heat. So, I tell my niece to bring out my 4 month old. He is in the 90th percentile for his weight, let me mention, before you get too judgemental about this next part.

So, there we are. Me and my niece. I have her helping me get my son into this seat. I am fixing the straps and getting ready to go for a ride. She begins to get concerned about the amount of support my son requires to sit in the seat. 'Don't worry, I got him.' I tell her. She expresses her concern with a, 'Auntie, you're going to get him KILLED!'. I chuckle b/c I realize in her mind she thinks I am gonna pedal around the block with my son flopping hazardously around in the seat, potentially falling out of it. I never intend to do this, of course, I am just seeing if he will fit securely in the seat. But I decide to kid her a little bit by replying, 'No, I'm not, I'm just gonna pedal and hold onto him like this. He'll be alright.' She begins walking towards the door, no longer wanting to take part in fitting my son to the seat. 'What size is he supposed to be to ride in this, anyway?' she asks casually. I reply, '1 year, but he is almost like a 6-month old with his weight.' 'I WON'T LET YOU GO', she lets me know in a stern I'm-joking-but-I'm-not-joking tone as she hits the button to lower the garage door. I realize her casual walk was actually a calculated slink towards this button. I sigh, 'It's too hot, open the garage door.' She tells me no, that she won't let me take him out that she'll keep the door closed. I guess the game is over now so I show her how the straps wouldn't fit him anyway & that I wasn't gonna take him out. 'But bring me Ian!,' I say, 'b/c after all that work I am taking one of my kids out in this seat!'

That niece is so smart, I admire the way she stood up to me to protect my son. I wasn't seriously going to ride around with him in the seat the way he was, I was only kidding her.

So, anyway, the 3-year-old was a perfect fit and we had a really nice bike ride!

Caffeine Check

Below is my coffee log. or CLOG. Basically just about how much caffeine I consume on a daily basis.

I start out with

For the drive to work I have
1-2 red bulls, just to get it in gear
or a regular-sized thermos of coffee

I drink a can of diet mountain dew around 9 am

There is no way I'm making it through the afternoon without another red bull.

Poems I Like

A collection of a few of my faves...

Requiem for a Pay Phone

All

That

Autumn,

I walked from
The apartment (shared
With my sisters) to that pay phone
On Third Avenue, next to a sleazy gas station
And down the block from the International House of Pancakes. I was working the night

Shift at a pizza joint and you were away at college. You dated a series of inconsequential
boys. Well, each boy meant little on his

Own, but their cumulative effect devastated my brain and balls. I wanted you to stop
kissing relative strangers, so I called at midnight as often as I could afford to. If I talked
to you that late, I knew

(Or hoped) you couldn’t rush into anybody’s bed. But, damn, I still recall the misery ofhearing the ring, ring, ring, ring

Of your unanswered phone. These days, I’d text you to find you, but where’s thedelicious pain
In that?

God, I miss standing in the mosquito dark

At this or that pay phone. I wish

That I could find one

And call back

All that

I

Loved.

_______________________

CELEBRATION
by Mari Evans

I will bring you a whole person
and you will bring me a whole person
and we will have us twice as much
of love and everything

I be bringing a whole heart
and while it do have nicks and
dents and scars,
that only make me lay it down
more careful-like
An’ you be bringing a whole heart
a little chipped and rusty an’
sometime skip a beat but
still an’ all you bringing polish too
and look like you intend
to make it shine

And we be bringing, each of us
the music of our selves to wrap
the other in

Forgiving clarities
soft as a choir’s last
lingering note our
personal blend

I will bring you someone whole
and you will bring me someone whole
and we be twice as strong
and we be twice as sure
and we will have us twice as much
of love
and everything

_____________________________
Unknown

if you were to come here,
back to my door
pinioning me with smooth globes of shoulders
-"drinking" you'd say,- to me
your whiskey breath at my collarbone...
I mean, if you were to come here
if you could come here, I mean

if the sun is really a whistling
hole into heaven and you came here...

Things I throw away everyday harsh and growling on a
broken tooth
my hair shook free from any woman fancy my laundry
on
my back
my boy is beautiful like an indigo bunting, no,
wider,
like the sky it crosses briefly, tree visiting
his wet wings unfurl lash by lash
his curled secret body unfolds
the stomach marble white and hard, the tender
tension of the arms, age trying to get
at his eyes, creep along his hands
but I would protect
even as I snarl and shake
my rough hair my muscle strata rife with white nerve
tubes
and pounding veins
seeing my shortfall in his eyes
or fearing this
I wade out in rough water, under heavy sky
crying come with me follow me

The fall through water
silver
diamond breaking apart
the barracuda fall and slide
against and away
the secret mouths of polyps
ride their cosmos of reef as I
sink with you
around you
breaking apart
silver

the fish have their sixth sense
on the surface of their skin
to move as one, to come as close as one inch from
the
hand outstretched

the sky today is heavy chromium
and tight trees
you are tired and riding to work and
then to your second job
leaving a house in draped chaos
the flags and scarfs of poverty

Ikeep this as my diary, "The sky
today..."

if you were to come here,
back to my door
pinioning me with smooth globes of shoulders
-"drinking" you'd say,- to me
your whiskey breath at my collarbone...
I mean, if you were to come here
if you could come here, I mean

if the sun is really a whistling
hole into heaven and you came here...

New Hobbies

I have taken up scrap booking. Also, took a little trip over Memorial Day Weekend to see my niece graduate high school, which is why I havne't blogged in awhile.

Ian is doing the cutest thing lately. He is really into Tom and Jerry cartoons. He watches them and just got so upset over Tom locking Jerry up in the cold. Ian was going, 'Oh, nooo. Oh, noooo.' He was fidgeting and walking back and forth on the furniture. We had to tell him it was alright and that Jerry was going to show 'em. He finally calmed down when he saw Jerry was alright. But my kid has a heart of gold, he was really distraught over Jerry being locked outside.

The youngest one is full of grins. He is also just so chubby and cute. I love babies. It seems like every time I hold him he falls asleep. Then I end up falling asleep, too.

This will be our year

I just love that soundtrack to The City. The latest little part of a song I caught, is the subject line, 'this will be our year'. It's so thought-provoking.

...

...

It's hard to predict what's coming in the next year, there have already been so many curves and topsy turvies in the last year. Maybe here I will reflect on the year that's past.

I got pregnant finally after 2.5 years of trying.

I reached the fattest point in my lifetime.

I sat back as my husband achieved career milestones while I had the babies, a choice ultimately hurting my career in the long run.

I got to know my parents better.

I became even more of a reality TV junkie.

I began shopping at Wal-mart and bragging about the deals I found there. Proud Wal-mart Shopper!

I had my second, and last, son.

--Now ahead--

Tantrums! Like the one Ian is having right now. Time to go.

My son has been sick over the last few days. Poor baby. He was vomiting everywhere, b/c he kept trying to stop himself from vomiting and hold it back, but it would just come up again 20 minutes later. So, the trick I learned was that if he started vomiting, no matter where he was, just give him space and let him finish the job b/c the more I tried to help him by holding up something for him to vomit in, the more he would resist vomiting.

So, there I was laying in bed sound asleep at 3 a.m. when I hear Ian churging somewhere above me. I raise up and to the side just in time for him to vomit right where my head had been. I guess he was trying to get me up.

Then I lift him off the bed and his head is over my shoulder. And he starts vomiting. I feel it running down my back, but he's not done and he was getting alot up finally so I didn't want him to stop b/c I knew he would feel better once he got it all up. So, I just stood there and endured like a good mom. Then, here's a new one. There was so much vomit, I actually felt the liquid run into my buttcrack. EEEEeewwwww. So, gross. Only moms will put up with that kind of stuff.

I tried

Don't laugh at my profile, ok? I'm workin' on it. I realize it looks a little amateurish right now, like maybe a kid put it togethor, or someone who didn't know how to resize that larger than life picture I have up top. It was really yikes before I softened it up with the purple.

My kids and I went on a retreat this weekend, it was really nice and peaceful. But now we are back and my son is catching up on all his rough housing.

I am gonna go see what my sister is doing with her blog.

I am yelling at Ian to stop kicking my head as I type this. He loves to crawl up on top of the couch. I need to spend some time with the kids now.

Such a boring blog, but I am in high demand around these parts.

experiments in dieting and other random thoughts

I'm thinking I don't like the green on this blog.

And if I ever get enough sleep I just might get the energy to do something about it.

I am actually less tired than usual right now thanks to my new diet pills. Phentermine. My new diet strategy involves big bucks. I actually went to a diet center and talked to a nurse to get enrolled in this so it better work.

Of course, with any diet, it involves an exercise and diet change. You can't just take the pills and watch the pounds fall off. I know, I already asked.

But hopefully, this will help me get slim enough to run without getting shin splints. Then there is no stopping me.

Anyway, what I'm telling you internet is my energy level is up. And I don't like the green anymore.

Rambling on. Things are changing for me. By this time next year, who knows where I'll be. I am looking for a new job. My husband, too. Which ultimately means a new city. I would love to stay where I'm at but there isn't alot here in the way of the type of employment I'm seeking.

Sigh.

So, the realtor comes by the house today to let me know how much it may be worth. I was disappointed his number was less than my number. I told him to list for my number anyway and if nothing bites in a year or so, then I will come down.

Well, I am having the beginnings of a headache, I think from the Diet Mountain Dew. I drank a few too many today combined with the red bull.

Sheesh, this blog is really boring today, isn't it?

So cute, my sons both fell asleep on my lap today. That was a first. I felt so warm and lucky to have such cute babies and precious moments. My sons are the best.

Now, it's time for bed

Convo w/mom

I had this funny conversation w/my mom while helping her check her e-mail. haha. old people. Enough preface! Enjoy!

Mom: Where's your @ sign?
Me: Same place it is on your computer
Mom: No, it's not.

The Princess and the Frog

Me and Ian have watched The Princess and The Frog about a thousand times. I think I know the entire musical score by now.

If I were a human being
I'd head straight to New Orleans

See?

I have so much to say but Ian really wants my attention right now. He is being really clingy lately.

The hand that rules the world!

Psycho? Well, of course.

And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail,
The female of the species must be deadlier than the male.

I was thinking of how women get such flak for being psycho, emotional, crazy, dramatic, etc. Doesn't it seem like those types of women also get more male attention than the nice ones? It's true. I didn't snap my man until I started crazying it up a bit. But I digress.

I wanted to blog tonite on my personal opinion that, yes, all women are psycho. It's just to different degrees. And some of us hide it better than others. But there's a good reason for it.

Humans are kind of pitiable in the speed and size department, when compared to other predators. Also, physically women are the weaker sex. So, what other instrument do we have to protect our young but by turning the crazy meter in our big brains all the way up. I think over time the crazy women were actually naturally selected for b/c they were better able to see their young into adulthood. And eventually the meek ones just died out.

But, you say, there are still meek females today. To which I say, they are usually the most crazy and that's why we have the expression, 'it's always the quiet ones.'

I began with an excerpt from a poem by Rudyard Kipling. Rudyard, man, that guy gets it. You should check out the poem.

And take it easy on the crazy women. They can't help it. There is some primal contraption in their brain that makes them that way.

is this really ruling the world?

Is the hand that rocks the cradle the hand that rules the world or do we just tell ourselves that so we don't feel like losers?

Moms quit so much to be moms. They quit jobs, schools, dreams.

But we get so much in return. Baby gazes....And everybody always gets those mom tattoos, for instance. And who does everyone say 'hi' to when they get before a camera?

But what about Hitler's mom? What was her deal? She must have really done something wrong.

I think the subject matter warrants more research...Next book idea...

Voyeurism

Just got done watching 'The City'. That's a new one. I just began watching it but now I'm hooked. At least these girls work. My hubby is always criticizing my choices of viewing material and claiming I only watch stupid people doing stupid things and I'm getting stupider by watching it. (Sorry Speidi, but I stood up for you! I just can't remember how or what I said exactly(oh, no! Mayber I am getting stupider (gasp! I meant more stupid!))) Anyway, he only watches History and the Discovery Channel. And if he does come down to the level of us common folk, it will only be to watch a program like House. Pfght. House has nothing on Grey's. At least the first few season. Then I stopped watching it. I am more of a reality TV person. I guess that's b/c voyeurism is my hobby. In the sense of reality TV and blogs being what I enjoy.

Anyway, before I forget, I love the soundtrack to the city. Let me share some of the lyrics I fall in love with here...If you care to, google it and then find them on Itunes and hear the whole song.

I got something better for my girls who know they're clever (from a boardroom scene)(just sort of talked in a bratty rap voice)
I'm moving to Manhattan and I'm never looking back (from a nighttime aerial of the City)(really energetic and shouted practically)

It doesn't translate well w/out the audio.

It is getting late here. I need some rest b/c the boys will be up early with or without me. It will be better on the house (maybe even on the universe) if it is with me.

Alone with my kids

My son is rolling around & being silly on the bed by me as I type this. I tickle him when he gets into arms reach.

tickle time

I maybe overdid it that last time. He almost fell off the bed. Oh, here he comes.

tickle time

Oh, now he is kicking my computer. Time to give that a rest.

Almost time to feed my youngest. After one more rendition Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

My blog is titled as such b/c I have so many profound thoughts on various subjects and no adult to share them with.

I mostly tell them to the windshield as I drive home from work. I am going to try to spend more quality time with my kids. I want to do more family stuff on the weekends.

Not much of a sampling of profound thoughts so far, is it? Well, I'm getting there. I was thinking of some other couples I know and their marital problems with cheating. With men, it seems like they cheat and it is mostly for the physical aspect only. But women, when they do that, for revenge mostly, they only do it when they fall in love with someone else to get the maximum hurtful effect on the other partner. I should name this syndrome before some sociologist beats me to it. I call it the Drive Home Syndrome. That's b/c I thought of it while driving home. And also b/c the women are really trying to drive their point home when they do it.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

New Blog in Town

I guess I am the New Blog in Town. I hope you like my name. I want everyone to know that, for legal and employment purposes, I am not really on the brink of insanity (wink, wink).

How fun. My old blog was on livejournal but I got writer's block on it. I was confining myself to a few subject. Now that I'm over here on blogspot, I'm just gonna let it all hang out.

I had been following a few blogs over here for awhile and finally decided to jump in the fray and show off my moves. I have a few. But I think I will blog mostly about my motherhood experiences on here and pepper it with a few my-hubby's-an-asshole posts. I have one son asleep with his head on my leg right now and the other fell asleep in his room watching Kung Fu Panda. That's how I have all this free time to write 3 paragraphs.

I usually don't joke about my hubby being an asshole in public forums b/c he gets so bent out of shape about that but lately he has really been an asshole so he has it coming. Yeah, take that. This is what he does lately when we fight. He goes quiet and just says uh-huh, okay, yeah. Ohhhh! Honey, so since you are aggravating the shit out of me by not answering anything I say, you must be the bigger person by not getting dragged into an argument. Oh, I just go all the way crazy when he starts that up. He is sabotaging the conversation to turn me bat-shit, but he gets to look all innocent. Sometimes, not arguing with someone IS the biggest button to push.

Sigh. Well, glad Igot that out.

Now, back to the subject that brought us all here togethor. My kids.

I love them, but let me tell ya, motherhood is THE most challenging thing I have ever tried to accomplish IN MY LIFE.

I think it is particularly challenging b/c...
1. I have 2 boys, but had no prior experience w/boys since I have 3 sister and mostly nieces in my family.
2. My husband is gone all the time for work and I am doing most of this on my own.
3. My oldest son, sadly, regrettably, unfortunately, don't-make-fun-or-I'll-kick-your-ass, has recently been diagnosed w/autism.

It's hard for me to share that. That breaks my heart. He is not so bad that he will be behind in school, they say, but I am playing wait-and-see to find out how he does with the ABA therapy. I believe in him, I see him in there, he comes through sometimes clear as a bell. Then other times he is breaking things or hitting me or silent and doing the 1000 yard stare.

Well, he stirs, he stirs, to quote a Navajo waking song and referring to my youngest. I close here.